1
00:00:00,170 --> 00:00:02,820
You're trending. You retweeted a white
supremacist.

2
00:00:03,010 --> 00:00:04,470
Retweeted a what? A Nazi.

3
00:00:04,471 --> 00:00:08,829
Jesus! Well, how was I supposed to know?
He didn't have any of the gear on. I'm

4
00:00:08,830 --> 00:00:11,250
pretty sure that I'm your son.

5
00:00:11,251 --> 00:00:14,129
There's no way I can be your father. I
mean, I've seen you a couple of times.

6
00:00:14,130 --> 00:00:17,129
Sorry, are you arguing the truth about
how babies are made?

7
00:00:17,130 --> 00:00:20,569
I probably should have mentioned this
earlier, but I'm on the autism spectrum.

8
00:00:20,570 --> 00:00:22,680
I'm in fame with children's book
authors.

9
00:00:22,810 --> 00:00:25,310
Dad goes on a journey of understanding.

10
00:00:25,730 --> 00:00:28,500
There could be a book in it. There could
be a documentary.

11
00:00:33,390 --> 00:00:38,969
So, perhaps, I don't know, we could grab
some lunch tomorrow? I'd really like

12
00:00:38,970 --> 00:00:43,529
that. Thank you, Mr. Hartswood. Oh,
please, Mr. Hartswood. Just call me,

13
00:00:43,530 --> 00:00:50,249
Jules. Call me Jules, if you like. I was
wondering

14
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:53,130
if you wouldn't mind me calling you Dad?

15
00:00:53,750 --> 00:00:56,630
Or how about my middle name's Tristan?

16
00:00:57,490 --> 00:00:59,050
No, sorry, yeah, yeah, Father.

17
00:00:59,570 --> 00:01:00,620
Dad.

18
00:01:00,621 --> 00:01:02,489
Dad's cool.

19
00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:03,369
Okay, then.

20
00:01:03,370 --> 00:01:05,630
I guess I'll see you tomorrow for lunch.

21
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:08,890
Then... Dad?

22
00:01:25,810 --> 00:01:29,210
Mom, Dad and I have arranged to go out
for lunch tomorrow.

23
00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:31,240
Dad? At a restaurant?

24
00:01:31,241 --> 00:01:34,419
A restaurant? That's a bit formal. Maybe
I should come with you.

25
00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:38,419
I'd actually prefer that you didn't.
Well, I'm a good plus one. Mum, I'm a

26
00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:42,799
man. I know, but I don't know. I'm fun.
Are you trying to muscle out my quality

27
00:01:42,800 --> 00:01:43,850
time with Dad?

28
00:01:43,851 --> 00:01:47,039
Why did you tell me about him if you
didn't want me to meet him? Well, you

29
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,899
of backed me into a corner. Technically,
you were sitting at the table.

30
00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:51,040
A metaphorical corner.

31
00:01:51,260 --> 00:01:53,300
And I'd had a big glass of rosé.

32
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:54,820
Anyway, a restaurant.

33
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,320
Let's just go together. Mum.

34
00:01:57,321 --> 00:02:01,499
I can do this on my own. What if it's a
restaurant? What if there's a screaming

35
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:03,790
child? Why would there be a screaming
child?

36
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:07,360
Are you trying to add to Austin's list
of no -go locations?

37
00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:12,939
Restaurants are fine, Austin. Thanks,
Grandad. At least one person is

38
00:02:12,940 --> 00:02:14,440
to make some sense around here.

39
00:02:17,320 --> 00:02:21,380
Just let him meet the man for lunch. I
just don't know what his intentions are.

40
00:02:21,500 --> 00:02:24,900
Well, you should have worried about his
intentions 28 years ago.

41
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:26,580
Yes, thank you, Dad.

42
00:02:26,581 --> 00:02:31,109
No, no, thank you. I mean, really, it's
great explaining to everyone what it's

43
00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:32,789
like growing up with a racist as a
father.

44
00:02:32,790 --> 00:02:34,829
Hang on. I mean, I may as well just drop
out of uni.

45
00:02:34,830 --> 00:02:38,229
The best revenge, Florence, would be
first class honours. First of all, Flo,

46
00:02:38,230 --> 00:02:40,289
don't see why you'd need to quit uni.
Oh, really?

47
00:02:40,290 --> 00:02:42,829
Everyone knowing you're a massive racist
doesn't give me cause. Well, that

48
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,009
doesn't make you a racist.

49
00:02:44,010 --> 00:02:46,349
If I first moved there, I should have
been to deny being a racist.

50
00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:47,829
Well, I hope everyone here knows this.

51
00:02:47,830 --> 00:02:48,599
Do you know what?

52
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:51,619
Do you know that the lecturers give
trigger warnings when I walk into class?

53
00:02:51,620 --> 00:02:53,079
Well, I suppose that is thoughtful.

54
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:54,499
It's just a misunderstanding.

55
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,159
You know, we're sorting it out. The
reason we're actually calling is because

56
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,840
have some big news to tell you, Flo.

57
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,790
Your father's had an affair with an
Australian woman.

58
00:03:02,180 --> 00:03:03,230
What? Dad?

59
00:03:03,231 --> 00:03:07,059
You've only been there for a few days.
It was almost 30 years ago and it wasn't

60
00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:09,080
an affair. And that's not the big news.

61
00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:12,859
If it wasn't an affair, Julian, what was
that? The big news is that you have a

62
00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:13,910
half -brother.

63
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:17,590
I've discovered I have a son here called
Austin.

64
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,630
Yes, it was a sort of non -affair that
produces a baby.

65
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,130
I mean, you're just trolling with mental
health now.

66
00:03:27,260 --> 00:03:28,310
Cross -grandad?

67
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:29,610
I'm not an animal.

68
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:31,720
Right. I've had a brainwave.

69
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:36,259
Debatable. Well, I was thinking, it
might be more fun if Julian comes here

70
00:03:36,260 --> 00:03:38,180
the house today for lunch instead.

71
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,880
You know, more fun, yeah?

72
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:45,459
Well, I don't want to offend you both,
but I'm not sure I want Dad to meet you

73
00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:49,310
guys before he's properly bonded with
me. Well, he's already met your mother.

74
00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:51,380
All in months, I'd say. Righto, Dad.

75
00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:56,319
My father is a man of letters. He lives
in London, for God's sake. He's used to

76
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:58,620
mixing with artists, judges, ombudsmen.

77
00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:00,920
I do Sudoku.

78
00:04:00,921 --> 00:04:04,459
Look, if he comes to the house, Austin,
you'll be able to show him your model.

79
00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:08,579
I did think that a great way to get to
know me could be a PowerPoint

80
00:04:08,580 --> 00:04:10,040
presentation. There you go.

81
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,830
I think you're on to something there,
Mum.

82
00:04:12,831 --> 00:04:14,039
Good grief.

83
00:04:14,040 --> 00:04:15,380
Well, thank you very much.

84
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:19,099
You're up early. Where have you been?

85
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,150
Swimming.

86
00:04:20,151 --> 00:04:25,059
Remember when Big Bear's barn burned
down? He's devastated, but then realises

87
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:26,039
can see the moon.

88
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:29,639
Yeah. I've had one of those moments.
Like, maybe there's a silver lining in

89
00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:34,179
for me, too. I mean, after all, to
rebalance the marriage, I now feel that

90
00:04:34,180 --> 00:04:35,520
owed my own A.

91
00:04:36,690 --> 00:04:41,829
Baby. A baby? And B, extramarital wham
-whams. You're 51. That's not physically

92
00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:42,880
possible.

93
00:04:42,881 --> 00:04:46,369
I mean, I'm not talking about the first
one, not the second. Oh, that is not

94
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:49,909
true. Isabella the Trumpetist or a
doctor, Dr. Rustami in Cyprus, who

95
00:04:49,910 --> 00:04:52,440
conceive naturally, more or less, at the
age of 53.

96
00:04:52,970 --> 00:04:55,800
Well, that's certainly a thought to get
passions rated.

97
00:04:55,890 --> 00:04:57,110
A glib remark, Julian.

98
00:04:57,111 --> 00:05:00,789
And it wasn't technically extramarital,
as we weren't married at that point.

99
00:05:00,790 --> 00:05:03,020
It's semantics as well. It's more like
extra...

100
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:07,440
Curricular? No, that doesn't sound...
Extracurricular. Oh, very well put,

101
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,180
What, do I mach and she's netball?

102
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,380
Applausos. I didn't mean that. Good
camacht!

103
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,980
Porca miseria! Ma che troi! Che fa!

104
00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,000
Idiota! Idiota!

105
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:21,190
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit.

106
00:05:25,340 --> 00:05:26,500
One oat latte.

107
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,290
Thanks.

108
00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:31,590
Nice tap.

109
00:05:33,090 --> 00:05:34,140
Cheers.

110
00:05:35,290 --> 00:05:36,340
Did it hurt?

111
00:05:37,130 --> 00:05:39,910
No. I've always wanted a tattoo.

112
00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:41,260
Don't do it.

113
00:05:41,490 --> 00:05:43,110
Your skin's much sexier.

114
00:05:44,850 --> 00:05:46,590
Ingrid. Luke.

115
00:05:47,750 --> 00:05:51,970
Is there anything else I can do for you,
Ingrid?

116
00:05:52,490 --> 00:05:53,570
I don't know.

117
00:05:55,130 --> 00:06:01,470
I was thinking of maybe taking up an
extracurricular activity and...

118
00:06:02,030 --> 00:06:04,930
Just wondered if you had anything you'd
recommend.

119
00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:08,110
Have you ever tried bouldering?

120
00:06:08,461 --> 00:06:10,549
Beg your pardon?

121
00:06:10,550 --> 00:06:11,910
Oh, yes.

122
00:06:12,150 --> 00:06:13,200
No.

123
00:06:13,610 --> 00:06:17,590
But I have been truffle hunting in the
Dolomites.

124
00:06:19,650 --> 00:06:20,700
Excuse me.

125
00:06:20,770 --> 00:06:21,820
Right.

126
00:06:23,090 --> 00:06:25,170
Truffle hunting in the Dolomites?

127
00:06:26,230 --> 00:06:27,770
Ah, so you are.

128
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,180
Just a call from Mel. That's Austin's
mum.

129
00:06:31,420 --> 00:06:32,470
Let me guess.

130
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:33,550
Austin's a twin.

131
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:37,220
No, she suggested lunch at her house
today.

132
00:06:37,221 --> 00:06:38,419
Oh, very nice.

133
00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:43,279
You and me and the woman you had a non
-extramarital affair with. Well,

134
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:46,459
actually, she didn't specifically
mention you by name, but I'm sure you're

135
00:06:46,460 --> 00:06:50,240
invited. I just thought it'd probably be
a bit boring for you.

136
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,680
Why don't you just stay here and relax?

137
00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:55,280
Shall I? Shall I do that?

138
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,010
Yeah.

139
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:05,420
No, no, of course not. You should...
Because I am coming. Great. Yeah.

140
00:07:16,171 --> 00:07:21,919
Is that what you're wearing? Is that
what you're wearing?

141
00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:23,060
Well, mine is the apron.

142
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,860
What are you making? Vegetable lasagna,
salad, wine.

143
00:07:28,180 --> 00:07:31,130
Mum, these people are from Great
Britain, for Pete's sake.

144
00:07:31,740 --> 00:07:37,000
Homer Rossum and Pike, Billy Piper,
David Tennant, the great British bake

145
00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:40,000
Ah, now what about this?

146
00:07:40,380 --> 00:07:41,430
Lobster Thermidor.

147
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,879
I'm making vegetable lasagna, Austin. If
you want lobster Thermidor, you can

148
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,420
make it. Okay, so where do we keep the
lobsters?

149
00:07:56,771 --> 00:07:58,659
What's that?

150
00:07:58,660 --> 00:08:00,860
Yeah, Heidi's PR guys drafted a
statement.

151
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:05,180
I wholeheartedly apologise for the
offence caused.

152
00:08:05,181 --> 00:08:07,119
What accent do you think you're doing
exactly?

153
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,200
South Africa, I think.

154
00:08:08,660 --> 00:08:09,710
Could be Holland.

155
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:12,930
Yeah.

156
00:08:13,380 --> 00:08:17,980
How about, I apologise if any offence
was caused. I think that's more my

157
00:08:17,981 --> 00:08:21,059
If it was your voice, Julian, it'd be
more nasally and obnoxious.

158
00:08:21,060 --> 00:08:22,279
I think you should just leave it.

159
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:24,390
The whole thing's a bit knee -jerk
anyway.

160
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:26,780
You should just park it.

161
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:28,960
I'm feeling a bit damp, Parkett.

162
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,220
What time is it ready?

163
00:08:36,221 --> 00:08:38,418
That comes out of the oven at quarter
past.

164
00:08:38,419 --> 00:08:40,819
Is that by the clock on the oven or your
timepiece?

165
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:41,779
Clock on the oven.

166
00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:44,659
Can you give me your timepiece? I'd like
to synchronise it to the clock on the

167
00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:45,900
oven. It's synchronised.

168
00:08:45,901 --> 00:08:49,279
You weren't accurate when the clocks
changed and it's been three minutes out

169
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:50,940
months. No, it hasn't.

170
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,890
You're perpetually three minutes late,
Mum.

171
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:57,950
I thought you were doing it to wind me
up, only I realise it's merely neglect.

172
00:09:00,260 --> 00:09:01,310
I'll get that.

173
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:06,570
Mel!

174
00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:07,830
Wow!

175
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:09,680
You haven't changed a bit.

176
00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:17,279
You don't look a day older. This is my
wonderful wife, Ingrid, who also doesn't

177
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,580
look a day... Julian, drop it.

178
00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:21,580
Hello. Hi, how's it going?

179
00:09:21,980 --> 00:09:23,030
Sorry, what?

180
00:09:23,420 --> 00:09:24,800
Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.

181
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:25,960
Oh. Oh.

182
00:09:25,961 --> 00:09:29,799
Now, Julian, before we do this, I need
to know, are you fully in on this?

183
00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,579
not going to bail?

184
00:09:30,580 --> 00:09:32,320
What, on lunch? No, we brought wine.

185
00:09:32,460 --> 00:09:36,879
Yeah, very expensive wine. Why is
Australian wine so much more expensive

186
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:37,930
French? Julian.

187
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:39,500
No, I mean bail on Austin.

188
00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:44,399
Like, I don't want you waltzing into his
life and right back out. Waltzing? So

189
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:46,160
before we do this, are you in?

190
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:50,430
Right.

191
00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,520
That's sort of putting me on the spot a
bit.

192
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:55,410
He's autistic.

193
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:56,990
He's vulnerable.

194
00:09:57,140 --> 00:09:58,190
Yeah, well, so am I.

195
00:09:58,191 --> 00:10:01,719
We wouldn't actually be in this
predicament if, I don't know, you'd

196
00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,159
tell me I had a son sometime in the past
few decades.

197
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,210
I'm not shouting!

198
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:11,259
Why does anyone with clear diction
always get... Shall we take this tete -a

199
00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:12,310
-tete inside?

200
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:13,970
Better acoustics.

201
00:10:16,260 --> 00:10:17,310
Oh, goodness.

202
00:10:17,990 --> 00:10:19,070
Julian, right?

203
00:10:19,370 --> 00:10:22,910
Hi. I'm Bill, or William if you want.
William, hello.

204
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,370
I don't actually know why I said that,
it's just Bill.

205
00:10:27,770 --> 00:10:30,090
Right, this is Ingrid, my wife.

206
00:10:30,590 --> 00:10:33,310
Thank you so much for having us. It's a
pleasure.

207
00:10:34,850 --> 00:10:37,590
Julian, I've got something for you.

208
00:10:38,390 --> 00:10:42,970
It's 28 years too late, but... Don't
give him the condom, Dad.

209
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:45,850
Well, I can't now.

210
00:10:46,590 --> 00:10:48,030
You've ruined the punchline.

211
00:10:53,250 --> 00:10:54,300
Hello, Dad.

212
00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:56,040
Hello, Ingrid.

213
00:10:56,170 --> 00:10:58,110
I apologise about my family.

214
00:10:58,410 --> 00:10:59,790
It's kind of embarrassing.

215
00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,590
I'm just trying to break the ice.

216
00:11:01,690 --> 00:11:03,370
Great. You look very smart.

217
00:11:03,650 --> 00:11:04,700
Yes, thank you.

218
00:11:06,130 --> 00:11:07,870
May I start you off with a beverage?

219
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,090
Oh, yes, indeed. That's very kind.

220
00:11:10,890 --> 00:11:14,070
This is very, um... laminated.

221
00:11:14,071 --> 00:11:18,109
I'm trying to give him this, but your
mother ruined it. That's an excellent

222
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:19,610
joke, Dad, and you tell it well.

223
00:11:20,230 --> 00:11:21,280
Excuse me a moment.

224
00:11:22,450 --> 00:11:24,990
Hope you didn't buy it specially, Bill.
Oh, no, no.

225
00:11:25,870 --> 00:11:31,449
They've got a little dish down at the
doctor's. I was getting my bloods from a

226
00:11:31,450 --> 00:11:32,500
prostate.

227
00:11:34,130 --> 00:11:36,710
Have you had your prostate checked,
Julian?

228
00:11:38,150 --> 00:11:40,680
Sort of feel like I'm having it examined
right now.

229
00:11:41,050 --> 00:11:43,250
That's the wit of the British right
there.

230
00:11:46,030 --> 00:11:47,590
Do you know who you remind me of?

231
00:11:47,710 --> 00:11:48,890
No. Go on.

232
00:11:49,170 --> 00:11:50,330
Hugh Grant? No.

233
00:11:50,331 --> 00:11:51,629
Hugh Laurie?

234
00:11:51,630 --> 00:11:52,680
No.

235
00:11:52,770 --> 00:11:53,950
Mrs Brown's boys?

236
00:11:54,370 --> 00:11:55,690
The bloke in the dress.

237
00:11:56,170 --> 00:11:57,220
Brilliant.

238
00:12:02,870 --> 00:12:07,090
So... This is incredibly awkward.

239
00:12:09,310 --> 00:12:10,360
Bit of a shock.

240
00:12:11,390 --> 00:12:13,910
But... No hard feelings.

241
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:16,330
Hard feeling.

242
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:21,720
Well, you obviously didn't know about
me, so... Not your fault.

243
00:12:23,460 --> 00:12:28,680
Or... Did you? Well, not until after we
broke up.

244
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:34,719
Broke up? What, you mean you were... I
think we were actually technically

245
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:35,759
him at the same time.

246
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,319
You have got to be kidding me. I mean, I
thought we were a couple until he said

247
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,880
we'd not have the chat. What chat? And
then you guys went to Italy?

248
00:12:42,881 --> 00:12:43,839
Hang on.

249
00:12:43,840 --> 00:12:44,890
What?

250
00:12:45,050 --> 00:12:49,629
Florence, maybe? Oh, you've got to be
kidding me. He said the tickets were non

251
00:12:49,630 --> 00:12:54,550
-refundable. Anyway, look, he obviously
definitely chose the right woman.

252
00:12:54,770 --> 00:12:56,630
What an absolute toad.

253
00:12:56,990 --> 00:13:00,889
You know what, I might actually have one
of these. What a colossal, clod

254
00:13:00,890 --> 00:13:02,910
-humping fink.

255
00:13:03,270 --> 00:13:06,630
Doctor puts on a glove, a bit of lube on
the finger.

256
00:13:06,830 --> 00:13:12,649
It's over in a few minutes. I was quite
worried a bit beforehand, you know,

257
00:13:12,650 --> 00:13:13,700
but...

258
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,790
In the end, I think, not an unpleasant
experience.

259
00:13:17,210 --> 00:13:22,089
Not that I got aroused or anything, but
it'd be fine if I did. I mean, I'm not

260
00:13:22,090 --> 00:13:28,330
homo... If people accuse me of being
gay, I'm flattered.

261
00:13:28,690 --> 00:13:33,029
Not that it's an accusation, but, hey,
you know, it's not a crime. Well, it

262
00:13:33,030 --> 00:13:38,549
still is in some African nation, sadly,
and even in this country, they didn't

263
00:13:38,550 --> 00:13:40,230
let him get married until 2017.

264
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:46,880
I guess the point I'm trying to make is
I don't mind having a finger in my bum.

265
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:51,820
I have a glass of red wine. You got it,
Dad.

266
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,170
A large one, please.

267
00:13:55,780 --> 00:13:58,260
Austin tells me your book tour's been
cancelled.

268
00:13:58,680 --> 00:13:59,760
Hmm, cancelled.

269
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,030
That word again, Julian. I'm still going
to think up.

270
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:04,370
Is it? Yes.

271
00:14:04,371 --> 00:14:07,839
Is it, though? Yes. Is it actually? Yes,
it is. Correction, Grandad. I did not

272
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,859
say that Dad's book tour has been
cancelled.

273
00:14:09,860 --> 00:14:11,939
Thank you, Austin. I said Dad's been
cancelled.

274
00:14:11,940 --> 00:14:12,990
Oh, please.

275
00:14:14,030 --> 00:14:18,029
Julian reposted a racist on social
media. I didn't know the guy was racist

276
00:14:18,030 --> 00:14:22,229
the post itself wasn't racist. So you
just appeared something not racist that

277
00:14:22,230 --> 00:14:24,250
racist said? Well, that's fine.

278
00:14:24,251 --> 00:14:25,229
Thank you, Austin.

279
00:14:25,230 --> 00:14:27,109
You're the first person to take a
rational view.

280
00:14:27,110 --> 00:14:29,220
You must be concerned it'll affect
sales.

281
00:14:29,221 --> 00:14:31,729
Yes, I think it will affect sales. I
think the jury's out.

282
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:33,250
I think the jury's very much in.

283
00:14:33,630 --> 00:14:36,880
Dad, Julian and Ingrid didn't come here
to answer your question.

284
00:14:37,070 --> 00:14:38,690
Correct. They came to answer mine.

285
00:14:44,790 --> 00:14:49,629
According to your Wikipedia entry, it
mentions you've been six times nominated

286
00:14:49,630 --> 00:14:55,249
for the British Book Awards for
children's literature and won three

287
00:14:55,250 --> 00:14:59,170
on your publisher's website, it states
that you've won only one.

288
00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:03,949
Curious. How many of these questions are
about inconsistencies with the

289
00:15:03,950 --> 00:15:05,470
Wikipedia page?

290
00:15:05,471 --> 00:15:08,629
18. Maybe we'll skip over these
questions. If we skip them, they won't

291
00:15:08,630 --> 00:15:10,230
resolved. Just skip them.

292
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:11,720
Fine.

293
00:15:15,050 --> 00:15:16,790
Why did you have sex with my mother?

294
00:15:17,090 --> 00:15:18,140
Oh.

295
00:15:18,770 --> 00:15:20,390
Austin, mate, you can't ask that.

296
00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:23,050
Sorry. He's very direct.

297
00:15:23,410 --> 00:15:24,850
Doesn't beat around the bush.

298
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:26,760
Pun intended.

299
00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:30,710
No, no, no. Pun not intended. Julian is
his dad.

300
00:15:30,711 --> 00:15:34,409
I think Austin should be able to ask
whatever he wants. And I, for one, would

301
00:15:34,410 --> 00:15:35,610
love to know that answer.

302
00:15:36,230 --> 00:15:37,280
Well,

303
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,930
Austin, I mean, we were very young.

304
00:15:41,930 --> 00:15:43,870
Your mother was very attractive.

305
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:46,080
I mean, it is very attractive.

306
00:15:46,340 --> 00:15:52,979
It was very attractive, and we got to
know each other, and I

307
00:15:52,980 --> 00:15:54,540
came to respect her enormously.

308
00:15:55,080 --> 00:16:01,539
Then one thing led to another. I mean,
the world of events catering is a very

309
00:16:01,540 --> 00:16:02,590
charged atmosphere.

310
00:16:03,580 --> 00:16:08,720
Not for one minute did I think it would
lead to a child.

311
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:11,260
Do you not know how sex works?

312
00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:19,259
It's a fair point. Maybe we go back to
the Wikipedia question. Go back to the

313
00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:20,310
Wikipedia question.

314
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:24,480
Were you at any point intending to ask
for my mother's hand in marriage?

315
00:16:24,820 --> 00:16:27,160
Oh, that is such a good question,
Austin.

316
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:32,919
Honestly, it popped into my head once
while we were actually...

317
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:38,280
Sorry, is that a bit too honest?

318
00:16:38,560 --> 00:16:43,340
I can be a bit too honest sometimes. I
think that's why I became a Reuter.

319
00:16:46,090 --> 00:16:48,470
Well, I have a question for you, Austin.
Sure.

320
00:16:48,730 --> 00:16:53,009
How long have you known about me? Well,
Mum always told me that I was conceived

321
00:16:53,010 --> 00:16:54,470
with the help of a sperm donor.

322
00:16:55,650 --> 00:16:57,990
Which is kind of true, really.

323
00:16:58,230 --> 00:17:02,189
But then when I told her that I was
coming to your book signing because I'm

324
00:17:02,190 --> 00:17:05,470
all -time Big Bear fan, she finally
admitted the truth.

325
00:17:05,770 --> 00:17:07,390
You told her Mum's a sperm donor?

326
00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:11,930
Would you care to see one of my castle
models, Dad?

327
00:17:12,810 --> 00:17:14,970
Um... Look at this.

328
00:17:14,971 --> 00:17:17,269
When did you find out you were pregnant?

329
00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:18,890
A couple of weeks after I got home.

330
00:17:19,030 --> 00:17:21,730
How long were you two actually shagging
for?

331
00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:23,510
Three months. Two weeks?

332
00:17:23,511 --> 00:17:28,449
Look, you should actually be flattered.
I was trying to choose between you, and

333
00:17:28,450 --> 00:17:29,500
you won.

334
00:17:29,810 --> 00:17:35,729
Or did you choose me because our holiday
was non -refundable, Gillian? Yes, I've

335
00:17:35,730 --> 00:17:36,810
been told.

336
00:17:37,230 --> 00:17:39,940
Oh, well, I'm sorry. Some of us have to
work for a living.

337
00:17:39,950 --> 00:17:42,300
And did you marry me for my financial
cushion?

338
00:17:42,370 --> 00:17:44,430
Oh, I have Edinburgh.

339
00:17:45,209 --> 00:17:47,350
Durham and Windsor.

340
00:17:56,410 --> 00:18:02,670
So nice to have a base, isn't it? Oh,
they've waved their magic wand in here.

341
00:18:08,170 --> 00:18:10,890
Hey, that builds a character, doesn't
it?

342
00:18:11,310 --> 00:18:13,630
I mean, maybe a tad broad, but...

343
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,250
What are you doing?

344
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:17,650
Spritzing perfume.

345
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:21,280
For, uh... I'm going out.

346
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:27,579
For a walk, or...? No, I'm just having
so many unmanageable emotions, Julian. I

347
00:18:27,580 --> 00:18:30,339
think it's best if I have my affair now,
get it out the way. You have an affair

348
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:32,400
now? Yeah, well, I mean, or what?

349
00:18:32,860 --> 00:18:35,210
Have my heart turned black and age in
dog ears?

350
00:18:35,220 --> 00:18:39,239
But affairs take a while to brew, don't
they? You know, to marinate. Oh, is that

351
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,420
so? Some told.

352
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:43,630
You're quite the sexpert, all of a
sudden. I'm not a sexpert.

353
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:45,990
You don't think I can have an affair?

354
00:18:46,190 --> 00:18:47,240
What are you saying?

355
00:18:48,990 --> 00:18:50,910
We're not getting any younger, are we?

356
00:18:50,911 --> 00:18:51,989
Watch me.

357
00:18:51,990 --> 00:18:54,530
I said we. I said we're not getting any
younger. We.

358
00:18:56,050 --> 00:18:57,450
Wait. What about the baby?

359
00:18:57,670 --> 00:18:58,720
Let's go to Cyprus.

360
00:18:58,850 --> 00:19:00,170
It's not either or, Julian.

361
00:19:01,110 --> 00:19:02,850
What do you mean it's not either or?

362
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:04,449
You're going to have a baby as well?

363
00:19:04,450 --> 00:19:06,230
Whether for Willie, there's a way.

364
00:19:10,431 --> 00:19:13,689
I didn't get to give my PowerPoint.

365
00:19:13,690 --> 00:19:14,950
Oh, maybe next time.

366
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:20,610
Mum, Grandad, do you think I personally
came across okay?

367
00:19:21,090 --> 00:19:24,810
Because I'm very keen to ingratiate
myself with my father and Ingrid.

368
00:19:25,390 --> 00:19:29,190
Partly for emotional reasons and partly
because I like to visit Britain.

369
00:19:29,390 --> 00:19:31,890
Oh, Austin, as always, you were a
delight.

370
00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:33,160
Top notch, pal.

371
00:19:33,310 --> 00:19:34,360
Good.

372
00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:38,590
Now, I jotted down a few notes on how
you performed.

373
00:19:38,990 --> 00:19:41,290
A list of positives and work -ons.

374
00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:47,179
Mum, your outfit could have been a
little more formal slash ladylike, but

375
00:19:47,180 --> 00:19:48,720
plus side, you smell great.

376
00:19:49,540 --> 00:19:51,820
Grandad, you did not smell great.

377
00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:55,659
Really, we're getting a performance
review, are we? Would you prefer I

378
00:19:55,660 --> 00:19:56,800
it? Possibly.

379
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,680
Make sure you're copying Grandad. Roger
that.

380
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:09,390
Ingrid?

381
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:11,150
Hi.

382
00:20:11,850 --> 00:20:12,900
You remember me?

383
00:20:13,090 --> 00:20:14,290
Remember you, of course.

384
00:20:15,090 --> 00:20:16,140
What can I get you?

385
00:20:17,570 --> 00:20:19,980
Something... I don't know, what do you
recommend?

386
00:20:20,250 --> 00:20:23,370
I'm feeling a bit... Daring.

387
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:25,140
Oh, really?

388
00:20:27,290 --> 00:20:32,570
Maybe... Spicy margarita? Spicy
margarita, yeah, yeah, yeah.

389
00:20:33,250 --> 00:20:34,300
Sorry.

390
00:20:35,130 --> 00:20:37,090
Yeah, but I'll have that.

391
00:20:38,630 --> 00:20:39,790
The hotter the better.

392
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,580
Hot and sparkly coming up.

393
00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:54,280
No, you have to guess.

394
00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:56,620
How old do you think I am?

395
00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,560
Um, your face is a bit of decolletage.

396
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:05,500
Oh, my decolletage. Low blow.

397
00:21:06,120 --> 00:21:08,420
I'm going to say 42.

398
00:21:10,540 --> 00:21:11,590
Nicely done.

399
00:21:12,140 --> 00:21:13,190
I'm 51.

400
00:21:13,700 --> 00:21:15,930
Honestly, over 35, I think it's hard to
tell.

401
00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:20,380
Ingrid. Mm -hmm? Have you ever been with
a younger man?

402
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:24,200
When I was younger, yeah.

403
00:21:24,620 --> 00:21:26,000
Since being older.

404
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:27,330
Oh, I see.

405
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:30,840
Um... No, I haven't.

406
00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,680
Just how young are you?

407
00:21:36,220 --> 00:21:37,270
30.

408
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:40,800
And I finish in half an hour.

409
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,150
Drink me?

410
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,120
Drink. I beg your pardon?

411
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:46,460
Drink with me.

412
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:48,150
Oh.

413
00:21:49,420 --> 00:21:50,470
Oh.

414
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:53,960
Can I phone a friend?

415
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:56,770
29 minutes.

416
00:22:07,530 --> 00:22:09,210
Yeah, she's just gone out for a bit.

417
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,970
We're, um... Oh, it's fine.

418
00:22:13,170 --> 00:22:17,509
It'll all be fine. You know, I think she
just wants to, you know, show me that

419
00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:23,529
she has some, uh... You know, that she's
taking this lying down. I mean, not

420
00:22:23,530 --> 00:22:24,509
lying down.

421
00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,770
Won't be lying down at all.

422
00:22:29,050 --> 00:22:31,230
So, just the club sandwich, then?

423
00:22:31,710 --> 00:22:33,210
Yes, please. Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

424
00:22:38,030 --> 00:22:41,390
For me, it's not just a sport, it's a
spiritual thing.

425
00:22:42,670 --> 00:22:49,650
Out there alone on the water, in the
majesty of nature, just you and the

426
00:22:52,690 --> 00:22:55,220
I never thought of snorkelling in that
way before.

427
00:22:55,410 --> 00:22:56,950
You should really give it a go.

428
00:22:57,250 --> 00:22:58,300
You'd love it.

429
00:22:58,570 --> 00:22:59,810
I've done it three times.

430
00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:01,410
Only sunk once.

431
00:23:02,670 --> 00:23:03,720
We'll just see.

432
00:23:06,500 --> 00:23:08,260
Careful. Careful, me too.

433
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:27,279
Would you

434
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:28,330
like a drink?

435
00:23:28,420 --> 00:23:31,460
Yeah. Actually, I'd quite like some
water.

436
00:23:31,820 --> 00:23:35,190
When I get back, you can tell me some
more ways. I forgot the holidays.

437
00:23:36,719 --> 00:23:39,780
Yeah, we used to have a kind of video
called Betamax.

438
00:23:40,540 --> 00:23:41,590
Discman.

439
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,490
Nice pics.

440
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:46,930
Is this your mum?

441
00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:49,540
That is my ex -girlfriend, Deborah.

442
00:23:51,500 --> 00:23:52,550
That's my mum.

443
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:56,980
When you were a kid, was TV really...

444
00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:08,950
I'm just feeling a little bit... Are you
having a vasomotor dilation?

445
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:10,450
I beg your pardon?

446
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:11,570
Hot flush.

447
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:16,060
That is... I'll get some ice cubes.

448
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:18,250
So sexy.

449
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:43,650
I'm good.

450
00:24:46,100 --> 00:24:48,740
Did you... No, no.

451
00:24:49,840 --> 00:24:52,730
Sorry, you don't have to answer that. I
couldn't get drunk.

452
00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:54,430
Me too.

453
00:24:54,880 --> 00:24:56,560
I should have got locked in the gym.

454
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,940
And I ate a lot of food.

455
00:25:01,620 --> 00:25:02,670
Well done.

456
00:25:03,280 --> 00:25:04,440
That's very pathetic.

457
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:05,850
No, no.

458
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:07,980
Sorry. Really.

459
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:10,050
How are you?

460
00:25:11,210 --> 00:25:12,260
I know.

461
00:25:12,490 --> 00:25:18,690
You know, I just needed... Have a
revenge affair.

462
00:25:19,250 --> 00:25:23,609
It's just that we've got a lot to
protest. But ages ago, I haven't fallen

463
00:25:23,610 --> 00:25:25,470
love with you yet. We'd only just begun.

464
00:25:27,910 --> 00:25:30,890
And we had a holiday in Italy, but what
were you to do?

465
00:25:31,190 --> 00:25:32,240
Well, precisely.

466
00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:38,510
But, no, I mean, obviously I loved you
more than one refundable ticket.

467
00:25:39,630 --> 00:25:40,680
Dear.

468
00:25:41,900 --> 00:25:42,950
You know I do.

469
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:46,410
Dear.

470
00:25:51,100 --> 00:25:52,150
Hey,

471
00:25:57,760 --> 00:25:58,810
run it, Paul.

472
00:25:58,940 --> 00:25:59,990
What about it?

473
00:26:01,220 --> 00:26:02,440
Does it turn you on?

474
00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,920
No. Should it?

475
00:26:20,741 --> 00:26:28,469
I was wondering whether you might like
to spend the day hanging out together?

476
00:26:28,470 --> 00:26:30,029
I think it's important that we bond.

477
00:26:30,030 --> 00:26:32,010
Just checking in about the documentary.

478
00:26:32,011 --> 00:26:34,749
I want you to manage your expectations,
Julian, because it's not going to happen

479
00:26:34,750 --> 00:26:37,969
overnight. I could never forgive myself
if I didn't capture these precious

480
00:26:37,970 --> 00:26:39,650
moments in 4K.

481
00:26:39,651 --> 00:26:40,869
Morning. Morning!

482
00:26:40,870 --> 00:26:42,850
Are you secretly making a documentary?

483
00:26:43,050 --> 00:26:47,350
What? Are you secretly making me make a
documentary?

484
00:26:47,810 --> 00:26:49,830
Dad, do you think we bonded today?

485
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:54,430
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